Old Sayings I've Said, No. 631

Love is blind. Marriage makes it legally blind.

Old Sayings I've said, No. 271

Don’t burn your bridges behind you. Burn them in front of you. Then you won't have to walk so far.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 621

A penny saved is a penny earned. So congrats on your 1-figure income, cheapskate.

Old Sayings I've Said, No.6,710

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Try substituting a half cup of diced waiter.

Things I've Learned The Hard Way, No. 3,575

No matter how tempting it looks, DON'T lick velcro.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 438

One man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope my neighbor treasures the apple cores and chicken bones!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 676

Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Wait till you have enough for a big-ass golden omelet!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 6,233

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so start 'em early on the chainsaw juggling.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 31

I cried because I had no shoes; then I met a man who had no feet. I call him Stumpy.

Things You Didn’t Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 844

My hobby? Collecting framed pictures of picture-frame models.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 71

Look before you leap. Then say something cool, like "Geronimo!!"

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 83

Seize the daybed!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 29,348

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear. On the other hand, silk purses make lousy deep-fried pork rinds.

Dumb Dog Jokes

My dog is so dumb ... he signed up for a cellphone just for the rollover minutes.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 105,960

Every man has his price, but good luck getting him into a shopping cart.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 91

The squeaky wheel gets the grease; the squeaky mouse gets deceased.

Dumb Dog Jokes

My dog is so lazy, I gave him a bone to bury and he had it cremated.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 374

Practice makes perfect; archery practice makes perforations.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 7,287

Don't count your chickens before they are hatcheted.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 744

Laughter must be the best medicine. When I told my doctor I had acne, he laughed in my face.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 93

The pen is mightier than the sword. I bet that's why banks keep them chained up.

Dumb Dog Jokes

My dog is so dumb ... he thinks palm trees are the kind that will pet him while he relieves himself.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 86

Beggars can't be choosers. If they could, they'd probably choose not to be beggars.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 6,336

He who lies down with sheepdogs, wakes up with fleece.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 822

The grass is always greener where I buried the neighbor.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 893

Some people have Siamese twins. I have a Siamese cousin, once removed.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 105

You can’t get blood from a stone – unless your aim is really good.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 3,447

People who live in glass houses should use the neighbor's bathroom.

Dumb Dog Jokes

My dog is so lazy, he gave up chasing his tail and now just stalks it on the Internet.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 9,017

Don't rob Peter to pay Paul. And don't rob Peter or Paul to pay Mary, who is dead.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 807:

Just for fun I entered "Hell" into my GPS navigation system. It said, "Stay put."

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 726

Lightning never strikes the same place twice, so always switch places with the smoldering guy.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 3,007

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in the road, do as the rodents do.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 27

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, but he still has to do all the driving.

Dumb Dog Jokes

My dog is so dumb ... he thinks "dogma" is who you send flowers to on Mother's Day.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 71,944

If knowledge is power, why doesn't my TV run on PBS documentaries?

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 570

Blood is thicker than water, but with a little effort you can still get it through a crazy straw.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 2,058

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times – maybe you need a hobby.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 5,895

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but some people will insist on calling it Tuesday.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 792

I used to coach wheelchair basketball, but I got fired for putting the whole team on the disabled list.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 5,471

Let us beat our swords into plowshares. I'm not a peacenik – I just feel like beating something.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 42

If a tree falls in the forest when there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? Is the sound "Oops!"?

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 4,922

If you can't say anything nice, mime something really nasty.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 371

If you want to make an omelet you have to break some eggs. I use a hammer.