Old Sayings I've Said, No. 631

Love is blind. Marriage makes it legally blind.

Old Sayings I've said, No. 271

Don’t burn your bridges behind you. Burn them in front of you. Then you won't have to walk so far.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 621

A penny saved is a penny earned. So congrats on your 1-figure income, cheapskate.

Old Sayings I've Said, No.6,710

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Try substituting a half cup of diced waiter.

Things I've Learned The Hard Way, No. 3,575

No matter how tempting it looks, DON'T lick velcro.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 438

One man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope my neighbor treasures the apple cores and chicken bones!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 676

Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Wait till you have enough for a big-ass golden omelet!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 6,233

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so start 'em early on the chainsaw juggling.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 31

I cried because I had no shoes; then I met a man who had no feet. I call him Stumpy.

Things You Didn’t Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 844

My hobby? Collecting framed pictures of picture-frame models.