Old Sayings I've Said

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 631

2010-06-29T22:08:00.003-04:00

Love is blind. Marriage makes it legally blind.

Old Sayings I've said, No. 271

2010-06-28T18:38:00.001-04:00

Don’t burn your bridges behind you. Burn them in front of you. Then you won't have to walk so far.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 621

2010-06-25T21:16:00.009-04:00

A penny saved is a penny earned. So congrats on your 1-figure income, cheapskate.

Old Sayings I've Said, No.6,710

2010-06-24T21:20:00.003-04:00

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Try substituting a half cup of diced waiter.

Things I've Learned The Hard Way, No. 3,575

2010-06-18T19:54:00.002-04:00

No matter how tempting it looks, DON'T lick velcro.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 438

2010-06-17T21:04:00.005-04:00

One man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope my neighbor treasures the apple cores and chicken bones!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 676

2010-06-16T21:09:00.002-04:00

Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Wait till you have enough for a big-ass golden omelet!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 6,233

2010-06-14T20:52:00.002-04:00

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so start 'em early on the chainsaw juggling.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 31

2010-06-11T20:14:00.002-04:00

I cried because I had no shoes; then I met a man who had no feet. I call him Stumpy.

Things You Didn’t Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 844

2010-06-10T22:14:00.003-04:00

My hobby? Collecting framed pictures of picture-frame models.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 71

2010-06-07T20:50:00.002-04:00

Look before you leap. Then say something cool, like "Geronimo!!"

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 83

2010-06-03T22:09:00.001-04:00

Seize the daybed!

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 29,348

2010-06-01T20:10:00.002-04:00

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear. On the other hand, silk purses make lousy deep-fried pork rinds.

Dumb Dog Jokes

2010-05-29T20:58:00.004-04:00

My dog is so dumb ... he signed up for a cellphone just for the rollover minutes.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 105,960

2010-05-27T20:45:00.002-04:00

Every man has his price, but good luck getting him into a shopping cart.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 91

2010-05-26T19:09:00.001-04:00

The squeaky wheel gets the grease; the squeaky mouse gets deceased.

Dumb Dog Jokes

2010-05-24T20:40:00.001-04:00

My dog is so lazy, I gave him a bone to bury and he had it cremated.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 374

2010-05-23T20:54:00.003-04:00

Practice makes perfect; archery practice makes perforations.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 7,287

2010-05-22T19:43:00.002-04:00

Don't count your chickens before they are hatcheted.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 744

2010-05-21T23:09:00.001-04:00

Laughter must be the best medicine. When I told my doctor I had acne, he laughed in my face.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 93

2010-05-20T06:41:00.009-04:00

The pen is mightier than the sword. I bet that's why banks keep them chained up.

Dumb Dog Jokes

2010-05-19T19:35:00.003-04:00

My dog is so dumb ... he thinks palm trees are the kind that will pet him while he relieves himself.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 86

2010-05-18T19:14:00.002-04:00

Beggars can't be choosers. If they could, they'd probably choose not to be beggars.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 6,336

2010-05-17T07:23:00.001-04:00

He who lies down with sheepdogs, wakes up with fleece.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 822

2010-05-16T13:20:00.004-04:00

The grass is always greener where I buried the neighbor.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 893

2010-05-15T06:40:00.002-04:00

Some people have Siamese twins. I have a Siamese cousin, once removed.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 105

2010-05-14T06:31:00.002-04:00

You can’t get blood from a stone – unless your aim is really good.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 3,447

2010-05-13T07:25:00.002-04:00

People who live in glass houses should use the neighbor's bathroom.

Dumb Dog Jokes

2010-05-12T07:33:00.002-04:00

My dog is so lazy, he gave up chasing his tail and now just stalks it on the Internet.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 9,017

2010-05-11T07:17:00.001-04:00

Don't rob Peter to pay Paul. And don't rob Peter or Paul to pay Mary, who is dead.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 807:

2010-05-10T08:00:00.001-04:00

Just for fun I entered "Hell" into my GPS navigation system. It said, "Stay put."

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 726

2010-05-09T08:42:00.002-04:00

Lightning never strikes the same place twice, so always switch places with the smoldering guy.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 3,007

2010-05-08T06:18:00.004-04:00

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in the road, do as the rodents do.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 27

2010-05-07T19:51:00.003-04:00

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, but he still has to do all the driving.

Dumb Dog Jokes

2010-05-07T07:00:00.003-04:00

My dog is so dumb ... he thinks "dogma" is who you send flowers to on Mother's Day.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 71,944

2010-05-06T06:28:00.002-04:00

If knowledge is power, why doesn't my TV run on PBS documentaries?

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 570

2010-05-05T21:50:00.004-04:00

Blood is thicker than water, but with a little effort you can still get it through a crazy straw.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 2,058

2010-05-05T07:14:00.001-04:00

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times – maybe you need a hobby.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 5,895

2010-05-04T06:52:00.005-04:00

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but some people will insist on calling it Tuesday.

Things You Didn't Know About Me Because I Just Made Them Up, No. 792

2010-05-03T21:51:00.002-04:00

I used to coach wheelchair basketball, but I got fired for putting the whole team on the disabled list.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 5,471

2010-05-02T08:46:00.005-04:00

Let us beat our swords into plowshares. I'm not a peacenik – I just feel like beating something.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 42

2010-05-01T08:03:00.001-04:00

If a tree falls in the forest when there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? Is the sound "Oops!"?

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 4,922

2010-04-30T07:37:00.000-04:00

If you can't say anything nice, mime something really nasty.

Old Sayings I've Said, No. 371

2010-04-28T20:38:00.001-04:00

If you want to make an omelet you have to break some eggs. I use a hammer.